I have discovered this after four rounds in CJ Hayden’s marketing program Get Clients Now. She directs you to set up 10 “daily actions”, bite-sized goals that you commit to doing on a daily, semi-weekly or weekly basis. I have found that when my actions are worded vaguely and poorly, I gloss over them.

Do you ever notice how when something comes into your life, you all the sudden see more of it? I own a new gray Honda civic, and now, I see them everywhere. This new awareness comes with new understanding and relating. And, the opposite is true. If you don’t understand or relate to something, when it comes into your field of vision, you probably gloss right over it.

This can happen with your very own goals list! If you borrow a goal from someone else and the wording doesn’t resonate with you, you probably will unconsciously block it out. Or, if you make a goal that involves something you’ve never done before, it will involve tasks you might not have thought about how to do.

Start to try and notice yourself unintentionally avoiding things that you’re not clear on or don’t relate to. You’ll be surprised at how it can happen right under your nose.

So, what if your list of goals or to-dos is the victim of this resistance? It’s usually a question of semantics. Meaning: it’s usually fixable with semantics.

For example, last time I did the Get Clients Now program one of my goals was to “spend 1 hour each week researching leads and emailing new people.” I found myself skipping over that list item because I didn’t know what it meant. It wasn’t clearly defined. Maybe you don’t really “research” leads. Aren’t they usually people who come into your world in one way or another? My new goal is to “keep in touch with 1 lead per day”. This is easier and more natural.

Resistance to a goal might also come because the way the goal is worded doesn’t align with you energetically. For example, last time I used the action “brainstorm a blog or article idea for 1 minute each day”. So when I got to that place on the action list, I’d set my timer and sit there, blankly for a whole minute. Nothing would usually come to me. This time, though, I changed the word “brainstorm” to the word “capture” and the ideas started tumbling out. Embedded in the word “capture” is that there are plenty of ideas in the world around me and right in my head, and if I create a container for them by setting the intention to capture them, then I will be able to fill that container. The desired outcome is the same in both cases, but worded more effectively and the results come effortlessly.

Make your goals work for you. It’s just semantics.

Well, it’s not always useful to do this, especially in our personal lives. Sometimes, believe it or not, we can be more effective if we throw our intellect out the window.

Here’s an example.

I knew I should go for a run, but I didn’t want to. So I started intellectualizing it: what are the benefits, what are the drawbacks, yadda yadda yadda. I realized I didn’t want to go because I thought it would be boring.

Then it hit me: who cares if it’s boring! I’m not going on a run for mental stimulation or entertainment. I’m going on a run for my physical well being. I don’t need to be entertained. Running doesn’t have to be an intellectual exercise in addition to its physical rigor. Give myself a break.

I had trained my brain to always want to be on, and the thought of doing something physical while my brain took a break seemed “boring”. I needed to stop intellectualizing that which didn’t warrant it.

So, as you may have noticed, I was intellectualizing on two layers: first (outermost layer): intellectualizing via a conversation with myself about whether or not to bother going for a run, which was fueled by the second (innermost layer): the fact that thinking I needed to have my brain turned on all the time made something like going for a run seem like a bore.

Stop intellectualizing everything and just do it.

First, let’s get something cleared up. Being an introvert does NOT mean that you lack social skills. I’ll repeat: being introverted does not mean that you aren’t a ‘social’ being. We all are. It simply means that you get your energy from within – when you need to recharge, you find a way to be alone. Being around people tends to use our energy, rather than charge it up. That’s all.

So all you closet introverts can come out now. If you can embrace your introversion, you’ll see that there are true benefits to being one: you tend to have a better relationship with yourself, appear more grounded and aware, and value deeper connections, to name a few. Embracing your introversion means you’ll be able to leverage it in networking situations. The 4 tips below show you how.

1. Arrive physically ready
As introverts, this type of engagement tends to use up our energy, so make sure you have a surplus when you arrive! Be well rested, well fed, and well hydrated. And if you notice you’re missing one of those things, excuse yourself for a 5-minute timeout and take care of yourself so that you can focus your energy on your new friends rather than your growling stomach.

2. Think quality, not quantity
Already, your being an introvert is advantageous. Because we tend to prefer fewer, deeper relationships rather than multiple casual acquaintances, we can bring that desire into a networking situation. No one said the key to networking successfully was to get as many business cards as you could in the least amount of time. If you’re having a great conversation with someone, then stay put!

Let your goal be to make one solid connection for the evening that you’ll want to continue into the future. If it’s a multiple-day event, make your goal 3 – 4 solid connections. Now you can relax – let go of the need to compete for contacts and let fate do its work in deciding the few people you’ll get to truly know.

3. Stay curious
Introverts tend to prefer intimate, deep conversation rather than superficial small talk, which is one we reason we are typically allergic to networking. But how to come up with things to talk about that will get you past the small talk smoke screen? This is why I used to get stuck in the “I don’t feel like going” rut. I got out of it by staying curious.

Human beings are naturally curious creatures, and so once you learn to listen to your inner curiosity, it will be your ally in carrying the conversation. The person you’re chatting with has a story, has richness, has a life with details you can’t begin to imagine! Find out about it. Staying connected to your natural curiosity will help you stay drawn to attending and putting effort into the event.

4. Get real
When you’re doing all the curiosity-searching and questioning, make it juicy! Take risks! Dance next to the line – without crossing it. Let this stranger know that you are a real person – sometimes with family tiffs, speeding tickets, and morning breath! It will lighten the mood, foster trust, and be something to help them remember you.

If you’re someone who finds networking boring, this tells me that you need to move WAY closer to this proverbial line I’m talking about. As long as you remain respectful and avoid offending the person, this is what makes it fun. One way to do this is to tell the truth – tell them how you really felt about the presentation, or how business is really going (without being a whino – keep it polite and intellectual). Tell them about your trials and tribulations, or funny mishaps. Keep it short, then ask about them. You break the ice with candor, and invite them to follow suite.

5. Follow up
This is where your efforts can really pay off, or not. The fact that we tend to make fewer, closer connections makes it easier and more comfortable to follow up. Make your follow-up email or card personal to avoid making this process feel too mechanical. If you followed the tips above, you should have an interesting tidbit to cite that will remind you both of your connection.

When you follow up, take initiative in getting to know the person more. I recommend doing this even if you’re not sure you want to – remember, everyone has a story and theirs is richer than you can imagine. If they’re local, meet for lunch or coffee. If they’re too far, send articles or tidbits when they remind you of the person. Simply sending with a note saying “this made me think of you” is enough.

Ultimately, networking doesn’t have to feel or be fake. Stay reminded of the original reason people decided to get together: to make connections. Let your goal be to foster true human connection, and do that the best way you know how.

Reflecting on one’s life fosters awareness. Awareness is key to effective leadership because it allows you to relate to others and understand situations more accurately. Reflection allows you to gain insight in situations so that you can improve your role in them the next time around.

Do you make time in your daily or weekly schedule for reflection? You can build time to reflect in the following ways:

Reflection is most easily done solo, and if you’re an introvert this will come naturally. As an extrovert, you might have to be more intentional about carving solo time into your schedule.

Post a comment and share with us how you usually make time for reflection in your schedule.

After a period in my own personal life of feeling stuck, low-energy, restless, and unfocused, I decided it was time to get my butt in gear. One of the changes I made was in my sleeping schedule.

After visiting college friends in Portland who were asleep by 10 and up by 6, and observing what appeared to be a well-balanced, healthy life, I decided it was time for me to step it up a notch when it came to the boundaries of my sleep cycle.

Changing the boundaries of my sleep cycle would also change the boundaries of my life and its balance.

So far, it’s worked. Here’s why:

Going to be early is making a statement to yourself that you care about your rest. You care about the next day. I find that the nights when I feel compelled to stay up late, wasting time in front of the TV or magazines are when I’m sub-consciously trying to punish myself for something, or when I’m feeling even the slightest ounce of self-pity and staying up late becomes a twisted way to simultaneously pamper and punish myself. The next day, I’ll be even more tired and I’ll have earned myself even more pity so that I can stay up even later the next night. You see the downward spiral. What we want is a sustainable cycle, not a downward spiral.

Getting up early allows you to cherish the day. Get up with the sun and suddenly the day feels open and long, full of opportunities. If I am up, coffee in hand by 6:30, I now have 90 minutes before my work starts at 8:00. That’s a ton of time! Time for waking up slowly, reflecting on where I am in my progress track, keeping my apartment clean and my life balanced. And by the time noon rolls around, I’ve already felt like it’s been a full day. My day is more intentional because I have more time at the front end.

It’s a perpetuating cycle. Just like exercise, once you get in the habit of it, it’s hard to break. By the time 9:00pm arrives, you’re ready for bed, and glad that the next day will start with a quiet, open morning.

Your ability to focus will increase dramatically. My ability to focus on each day’s tasks has increased tremendously because I’m now giving myself time in the morning to wake up before I start working. I have time to eat breakfast and get my blood sugar regulated, I have time to make my bed and tidy up. I’m not just throwing myself into my work before my body is ready.

About the wealthy part . . . There are two ways to look at it: First, life simply feels richer when you’re up with the sun and the day unfolds to you slowly and deliberately. Second, you really will become wealthier if you add time in the morning to be intentional and focused about what you want to accomplish each day.

I’m not saying this will be an easy change. I know I couldn’t have done it without two alarm clocks, one of which is in a whole other room! I’ve heard that new habits take about 30 days to sink in, so be gentle with yourself, and if you slip up, don’t beat yourself up.

It’s the degree to how bad you want it that will get you there.

Let’s first define what the easy life means. If life were easy, a bunch of other stuff would be too: decisions would be easy, navigating relationships and careers would be easy, and somehow, money would be there for the things you needed. You wouldn’t tolerate draining friendships, you wouldn’t toss and turn at night about the things you have to do the next day, you wouldn’t be upset for days about an interaction you had with a friend. Things and people would be there when you needed them, and changes in plans wouldn’t be devastating. Basically, going about your day would be pleasant and easy.

As my title indicates, I am telling you this is a choice. People choose whether they want their life to feel easy, or hard. Why are so many people unhappy? There may be a lot of honor in working hard, in suffering for a bigger cause. If you suffer, you get to be the hero. But when do you actually get to reap the benefits of being the hero? Not until you’re done suffering for yourself. Start today. Don’t be the victim of your own life! Make YOUR life work for YOU.

So what is it gonna take to make this choice? Strength, responsibility, intentionality, formality, honesty, to name a few honorable qualities. And here is precisely the irony – we just said that the honor was in suffering through the hard life! That is the myth, and that is how I’m trying to help you mentally reframe your life so that it can feel easy.

Which is stronger: calling your brother to tell him what he said really upset you so that he can acknowledge you and apologize (easy life) or whining about it to your sister who had a similar experience and letting the frustration build up and build up until you see him at Christmas and blow up (hard life)!

Which is more honest: working hard every day at a job that makes you miserable (hard life), or facing to yourself that you could contribute more to the world in a different way and moving on (easy life).

Which is more intentional: complaining that you don’t have time to keep in touch with old friends (hard life), or formally scheduling part of your week for this purpose, which in the end will bring you joy and connection (easy life).

Although these anecdotes are discrete events, choosing the easy life manifests itself in the tiniest moments. It’s that split second after your significant other says something that rubs you the wrong way and you’re deciding between making a retaliating remark that would satisfy your childish ego, or taking a deep breath and responding with integrity.

It’s that moment when you stub your toe, and instead of muttering a profanity decide – in the moment – to just relax about it.

It is in these split-second moments when you choose to act with integrity, taking FULL responsibility for your life and what happens to you in it, even if these happenings are out of your control. Total responsibility is the understanding that when something happens, it is only you who is able to respond in such a way to care for your happiness. It’s knowing that your response to what comes and goes in your life is completely your choice.

I’m saying that whether life feels easy or hard is your choice. A lot of people have it in their minds that life “should” feel difficult. In order to make choices that allow for this ease, it’s important to let go of the things you feel like you should do. What “ease” might really mean is a feeling of freedom. This freedom comes when you feel that your actions are in complete alignment with who you are.

The next time you find yourself complaining (i.e. being the victim of your own life), stop complaining and start changing. Feel free and able to respond: change something within your control to eliminate whatever you’re tolerating, or accept it and focus on something pleasant so that you become a source of positivity for yourself and for those around you. Taking responsibility will bring you freedom.

The ‘easy life’ is a hard choice, and may even feel harder at first than the ‘hard life’, but when you get used to being in the driver’s seat of your own happiness, you will not be turning that car around.

I had the responsibility of calling a restaurant to ask about having them host a holiday party. I had never been to the restuarant and wasn’t familiar with their M.O.

I was much slower to act because the task felt vague and unfamiliar.

Then, I took a small step and looked up their phone number online! I know, it sounds crazy simple. But in doing so, I saw a few Yelp reviews, skimmed over their website, and it instantly became less unfamiliar and seemed much easier.

Taking the smallest step to get more information or set up the beginning of a task’s infrastructure can do wonders for launching you into get-stuff-done mode. It’s when a task feels vague and unfamiliar that we tend to ignore it, and the hard part here is that - because of its nature - we usually don’t even recognize that that’s what the problem is.

The next time you find yourself continually procrastinating on a task, take one small step towards getting it done. You’ll most likely find that it will make the whole task seem easier and more approachable.

Post a comment and let me know if this worked for you!

Well folks, the future is now. I realized that by sitting here fantasizing about my future life, I’m not getting any closer to it. Instead, I can get off my duff and find ways to bring in parts of it to my present life. Here’s an example.

I have always imagined that my future dream house would have a nice deck with those wooden wind chimes that will sway gracefully in the timeless breeze. I was in Hawaii recently and I and saw the wind chimes at a flea market. My first thought was “oh, I’ll have some just like that when I have my dream house”. Then it hit me - I don’t need to wait until I have my dream house to have wind chimes! The future is now, and I will get the same sensation from the wind chimes being in my apartment as I would from them being in my dream house. It’s the feeling I’m after, and that doesn’t have to wait.

There’s no magic wand that will be waved when you turn a certain age saying: here, now you can have everything you’ve dreamed of. You create it, bit by bit, day by day.

Three Steps to Your Future Life Now
1. Identify an aspect to your future fantasy life that you are holding out for.
2. Identify what feeling it will bring you.
3. Find a way to get that feeling NOW. It might mean bringing that future aspect into your life now instead of waiting, or it might mean finding some other way to get the same feeling.

This is a blog for engineers and other technical professionals interested in authentic leadership and personal growth. I hope that you, as an engineer or other type of technical professional, find good, fun, and relevant information about real leadership.

If you’re wondering what I mean by “real leadership” then stay tuned … it will unfold over the weeks and months to come. I know what I mean, but it will take awhile to explain and is open for discussion. Let’s just say that leadership is not ‘making people do what you want them to do’, but rather inspiring people to focus on a common purpose. How to do this is the lenghty part.

The invitation is always open to let me know how I can serve you better in this forum. Let’s keep the dialogue open.

Looking forward,
Elizabeth J. Agnew, MS, PE
Leadership Development Coach
Vision, Goal, Action. Coaching